i venture into writing about my current...status? state? situation?

today (yesterday, rather) was one of those glorious days. it ended with an argument. rather than take you on a moment by moment recollection, i guess i will be vague at times, and somewhat jump around.

i got a new mattress from ikea- a 107 dollar wonder that was rolled up and packaged air tight, so that it was easily transportable from the store onto a bus, train and up some stairs into my bedroom. how unheavy!

my first time in ikea was like walking into middle class heaven. i got kind of depressed that i have neither the home or money to take advantage of the useless shit they have there.

my bowl of cereal this morning was lovely.

inglourious basterds proved a fantastic adventure. (the other day)

_______
this evening i found myself at a party full of privileged white folk. apparently im "one of those crazy people that harasses people on the street". i didnt think politely asking people if they have a minute to talk about a certain subject that they may or may not want to talk about was harassment. (also) apparently, i am such a bitch for having such cheap rent in such a sought neighborhood.

it is called sacrifice, people. TRY IT.

so, for the third relationship, i got into a fight with my boyfriend about the fact that i was uncomfortable at a party that i didnt want to be at, full of people i will never see again. i tried my best to stay calm. i ended up yelling when he wouldnt let it go. then i finally got him to realize that i didnt go to the party intending to ruin it for him. i didnt intend to have a bad time. (for the record, it wasnt even a bad time, i was just bored)

long story short: i dont want to waste my time on strangers. (especially ones you yourself have never met before) i dont like parties where i have to speed date everyone in the room, and pray for an actual goddamn connection aside from the: what do you do? where are you from? how long have you been here?

id rather sit quietly and people watch. especially when the noise level in the room causes people to semi yell to hear each other anyway.

im a pretty damn good judge of character- i have a ton of amazing friends, and i constantly utilize my ability to make more. i recognize when i am in a situation or conversation that does not best suite or conjure my social abilities. (i guess that stanza was just for me, my attempt at a reason why you shouldnt be so upset that i didnt make more of an effort.)

whatever. i got santi to apologize, and i did the same. such a stupid thing to fight about. or maybe it was a great thing to fight about. we both learned some things.
_______

its is now 634 am. we are supposed to go to the beach today. i dont really want to go, actually. it will take time and energy when i can relax at home and slowly do some more unpacking. or work on my proposal that is due in a week. or watch a movie or two.

but the summer is almost over, and i have only been to the beach once!

my new roommate is a dj, and this morning i walked in on him naked in the shower (or about to turn on the shower). that kinda happens when one leaves the bathroom door and shower curtain wide open. he didnt think anyone was home, and i had just rolled out of bed. he's pretty hot, so the full frontal flash wasnt exactly a bad thing. hah. we laughed it off after the gay squeals and "im sorry's".

so im fresh in this apartment, in this room. i am on the border of clinton hill/ bedstuy. i am a block away from a train and two bus lines that can take me most places in brooklyn that i could want or need to go. i am a five minute walk from a super cheap organic version of kfc. i am a ten minute walk from one of the fucking yummiest cafe/ bakeries i have ever experienced. 525 including utilities. okay- i am kind of a bitch, but my room is only 9 by 6 feet.

new naked roomie invited us to his gig tonight- a well known gay club/ party, which was nice of him to do. we couldnt make it. there is always next time.

im in a mood where i can keep rambling. I am not in this mood often. but, i guess its been more than an hour of blogging, so i'm stopping myself. but before i go...

i am excited for san francisco/ san jose next week! i want to see district 9- maybe i'll wait to go with my brother.

i am feeling rather inspired at the moment. this is because in every corner, in every crevice of the city, there is something to experience, something to be shared.

tonight i shared a holding studio and "stage" with dth, ailey II, cunningham II, and graham II. i was completely out of my element, and i found the situation hilarious! all of the spinning mad leg whacking divas EVERYWHERE were certainly a spectacle to behold! to their credit, the cunningham dancers were off in a corner being undramatic and unemotional- how fitting! (haha)

after a strangely nervous performance of jose limon's 'choreographic offering' for a meager audience up in harlem, i bolted down to chelsea and caught the 2nd half of the varone show at the joyce. needless to say, i was deeply moved by the new work.

-cut to the east village: caught some free beer at ps 122's chautauqua afterparty (a show i am also currently doing but didnt do tonight obviously as i had the limon thing) and laughed some shananigans with nhan and dee and a few other fellow cast members.

my two hometown besties and i walked around in the cold for a bit before heading home.

after lugging my lap top into the kitchen, i burst out my bag of trader joes orange chicken from the freezer and began frying away. a project playlist later, i was dancing, all cookware maintaining a turn in hand, oil splattering positively everywhere.

markie duran can not do pretty. he just cant.

his insecurities are far too great. since when did trust become such a huge issue?

when did sex become SO FUCKING COMPLICATED?
when did his brain start reacting to touch at 100 mph?
why cant he allow himself to move freely with others?

particular. so fucking.

maybe it is a good thing, i guess, to trust another individual-
but it really feels like a PRISON most of the time.

especially when it is just a simple lift.

a simple kiss exploding with questions.
i
hate
questions.






those being- when did it become so damn difficult for me to trust... an individual? a situation? a dance? a friendship? a phone call? a thank you? pleasure? a smile? myself?

it never ends. and i hate it.

shed.
stupid wine.

today was quite an experience.

i ventured to Manhattan to get fitted for some tuxedo pants and a ruffled shirt, as i will be working a catering gig on new years eve at Madison Square Garden.

that was kind of a hassle, as they wrongly charged me fifty bucks which i had to go back for...but the REAL excursion came as i dropped by trader joes on my way home- the half way point between my place and downtown man.

knowing that this is my first xmas alone,(and i really do mean ALONE, as i refuse to spend the holidays with drunk 22 year olds who can barely carry a deep and meaningful conversation, or with people i dont know but have just met)i proceeded to shop for the YUMMMIEST TREATS that tj's had to offer!

100 bucks and 70-90 lbs in my arms later, i walked the 5 blocks, 2 flights downstairs, onto a full train with the bags between my standing legs, switched to another train, up 2 flights of stairs, around the block, and up 4 MORE flights of stairs, fumbled with keys, and into my kitchen.

PHEW! needless to say, i had to take more than a few breaks, as underneath my huge winter coat, scarf, hat and earmuffs, i was sweating profusely due to the weight on my wrists and forearms.

the following hours were filled with dancing and cooking half naked, eating, chatting, movie watching, eating eating and eating.

the only thing that is missing is the alcohol.

mostly, i am enjoying this time alone. it is not that i am sad to be away from my family during the holidays, i am just...literally quite fucking BORED.

for 24 years, i have had 30-40 people to keep me company and entertain my laughs during these exact dates. and now, i am alone in a friends apartment, eating and laughing, with no one to call because all of my friends have gone home. i also can not exactly go out and explore, because its fucking FREEZING.

anyway. i mostly started writing this to pass the time, but i am bored with this now too.

if you happen to read this, merry xmas, and i hope that you have a happy new year!

yes i am a romantic sap from time to time. it really is enjoyable! the heartache! the lust! the infatuation! the clear of hazy fog! the thought of actual LOVE! WOW!

how unreal. or is it not?

i could talk to you forever
entwined in your thoughts
smiling revealing memories

green eyes
making love
the push and pull of our essences
our souls uniting

your hands
your prettiness
your teeth
your soft and emanating energy
take a hold of me

TAKE A HOLD OF ME

i touch your face
i hear you whimper
i can burrow in your neck forever

your head on my chest
my arms wrapped around you
pulling you closer
pulling you tighter
while we sleep

your hand on my lower stomach... resting
...resting.

you are so warm
you make me feel loved.

but "we cant fall in love"

can't we?

wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake
wake

lay there, gazing through the railing down at the distant window.
the lightness of outside's darkness pressed.
grateful for the sound of the ceiling fan below.

There. loftEd. nakEd. gratified. questioning.

tHoughts far way in momEntary poEtry.
attempting lyricism in what was already a strange and dark peace.

a quiet time to draw pictures of moving letters.
achieving deeper breaths
as
the dark painted brushstrokes
into new creations beyond recallable memory.

coffee.

it all started with a large iced coffee after a 2 hour hike on the los gatos creek trail.

christina, cristina and i had roughed the almost 1 hour long , directly vertical climb to find a view of a spectacularly clear bay area. so clear was the view, in fact, that the skylines of downtown san francisco and dt oakland were completely visible in the distance! GLEE!

after a few deep inhalations and some apples, we trekked back down the mini mountain and made our way into downtown los gatos. the temperature was PERFECT, as we sat with our caffeinated beverages on the brick laid steps outside of the borders cafe. i quietly marveled at how perfect those moments
were, sitting there facing a lush, green mountainside in a calm that radiated through every pore of my skin. the three of us in the shade, comfortable and warm as our endorphins took flight.

---

a few hours later i found myself awfully jittery, and tripping over the cat.

after some laundry, crazy porn watching, a shower, and a meal later- i was ready. peter cheng decided to join me for the firework excursion in downtown san jose. after some attempts at modeling and a light show that took me back to innocence, we darted through the crowds. after peter's extremely gay attempt at extremely gay running, we landed at the beginning of a late night excursion.

my high of the night started (as you might remember) with that damned coffee. caffeine after physical exhaustion, followed by a few more hours of no food, had my brain and nerves running haywire long before i left my house. needless to say, halfway through our first drink, peter and i were tearing up the empty dance floor. channeling our mutual favorite 3rd club rat and musketeer, melissa ullom, we wound up shot and reverberating a few times more than necessary. peter cat- walked while i played oblivious to his existence. smiles were made.

suddenly joined by high school best friend 2, kathleen quijano-who i haden't seen in 6 years, apparently- and her posse of female breeders, we headed to club temple just a few blocks away for some serious hetero romp (inquire tagged photo courtesy PC). also joined by joe and one of kathleen's nameless gays, she screamed our way down the street and into an entirely different vibe.

the night continued with a cigarette, hunny humping, a drenched marcos shirt and a few slices of pizza.

the vase broke in the middle of the night.

i held something hard in the morning.


one of the most eventful fourth of july's ended in tender cuddle-age, (dear god NO, not with peter cheng) and into a VERY bright, early morning retrieval of my car.

the day had been one of those experiences when thoughts did not cloud the mind. there was no boredom, nor any unnecessary awkwardness. there was only yes, and the agreement to go with the flow, and have a good time. self consciousness trailed behind me, in delicate strings of dissipating energy.

* achieving excitement in situations some might consider blase.

i was only lucky that it all came together, without having to try. an original plan to wander the town by myself turned into an evening of comraderie and senseless shananigans.

there was something about the calm of that hike, and the iced sensation that followed to help prep the ensuing escapades.

more of a mood, or feeling- rather than events. i don't know.

but, i am still exhausted...

woooooo.

for making a completely beautiful new album.

for lifting me up.

for staying at the top of my music list.

for inspiring.

Now please, do not rush into another album for AT LEAST 3 years. We don't want another XY on our hands....

not that it matters

but
i thought i saw you twice today.
my heart nearly stopped.

today was quite an evocative day. complete with utter self torture, and blatant execution of "subconsciously" purposeful journey.

roads remembered. i remembered when you ....
took a swig of that fucking whiskey- heh.

almost like visiting the dead.



a day like today.


i flew over the ocean at one point, in an attempt to forget.
opening channels of energy while reaching towards nirvana.


imagining a with out you...

started, it seems.

Today I contacted Oper@ San Jose, and talked to one of the casting directors. He has yet to hire any "supernumeraries" for this upcoming season, so I think I have a shot at being an extra in the Opera! But, this is only something potential- much like every single other fucking job offer I've had in the last 2 months. (Holy fuck, have I been in San Jose for two months already? I think I have! Well, 2 weeks shy of...so, a month and a half! That sounds about right, phew!) Unfortunately the dance parts are usually all filled up with Ballet San Jose Dancers and Choreographers. We shall see. I just want to be on stage and get paid for it. I just want to be surrounded by performing artists.

***Last night I fell asleep around midnight, and woke up sweating at 330 am with "middle of the night wood". Haha. I wasn't able to go back to sleep until around 6 in the morning.***

OH! and lets talk about how lululemon sucks fucking BALLS! So, a few weeks ago I went in for an initial group interview, and it went really well! First thing the next morning, I had an offer for a second interview. Unfortunately, I couldn't make the time they suggested, so for another 5 days I emailed back and forth with one of the managers trying to find a time that worked for us. FINALLY after three days of not hearing from them, "Kate" finally got back to me and suggested Thursday at noon at Starbucks in Santana Row. I was relieved, and eager to get this fucking job!

So yesterday I hurry my ass over to Starbucks, and guess what? A NO SHOW INTERVIEWER. I sat there in Starbucks for about 15 minutes, until I just HAPPENED to see one of the other managers walk by with all of her lululemon crap into the restaurant next door. I walked in and waited for her to place her order (it was quite busy inside, and I didnt want to seem like the some stalker/ desperate for a lululemon job weirdo). She happened to catch my eye, and I told her the situation, how I was stood up by "Kate". Well, she apologized, then KINDLY suggested I attend their upcoming events, since they OBVIOUSLY had a miscommunication and OBVIOUSLY were not actually interested in hiring me.

How fucking stupid could I feel? Showing up for an interview for a company that clearly was not interested in me. Then completely randomly bothering a manager who clearly had no idea this this supposed interview was ever going to take place. I have yet to receive an email or call or ANY type of apology from "Kate", and this is the tiny little detail that pisses me off. I understand that miscommunication happens, that people forget, that shit like this goes all the time. But at the same time, the whole scenario was completely misleading, completely rude, and completely unprofessional.

And to be honest, I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't rush my ass unnecessarily to the interview. I doubt "Kate" will have the courtesy to apologize, but if she does, it would make me feel at least validated in the tiniest of ways.



I would love to keep typing, but I'm off to see The Happening. OOO.

funny how this shit keeps

reoccurring

funny how what i miss most about you

is what you see in someone else.

was i never that?



wish i could know your true feelings

wish i could know what you really thought



you'll never read this.



im channeling my static energy into heartache for you.
8 months ago.

almost a year ago we met.

this isnt healthy. it REALLY isnt healthy.

that never comes.

i have submitted to stopping, and letting time pass.

"holdin' as tightly as you held on to me"
_________

to see the world with new possibility
to see a soul expressing potential

to witness art displayed in capacity
could only before imagine.
screams

convulsing

brain traveling to consciousness a new
realities unforeseen
to reprimand the child half heartedly chased...

a future in lofts above stars

lofted above stars
encircling rapture



circling
mad
rush

without
time.

punch punch punch. makeshift light. through my hands.
out of waves.
bite nibble my neck is broken.
open. stop speaking. sentence redeem.

quien viene? yo. climbing up stairs. staring blur. sun in.
punch punch punch. light makeshift. hands through waves.
broken nibble.

stop.

open.

speak.






...sentencing...

trippy trip trip stream

i dont know what ive taken today, but i am having some serious dizzy spells. feels like im on speed again without the energy boost. every thing gets bright and its just weird. maybe i have a brain tumor and only have 4 months left to live. it would explain the spots i see all the time. or maybe i just need my sinuses cleared. apparently there is some kind of operation for that.

i could have fallen asleep a few hours ago, but my brain wants to be up at night. i want to try to party in sf this weekend, but i dont know if it will actually happen. ugh.

i went on a hike today in the los gatos mountains and it was pretty sweet. me and criss got pretty high and it was a pretty good workout! we only went for an hour, but it was beautiful and intense.


tomorrow i am meeting a few new people. i hope to make some new friends soon. god knows i need the gay comradery. just a few drinking buddies would be nice. a few peeps to call when im sick of being at home. i dont want to have to drive all the way to fuckin sf for that.

streamy stream stream. usually i post something worth mentioning on here, but it looks like ive landed in a stagnant stream. a dreamy stream of laziness and blurred vision. a stream that leads to an uncertain future of hazy outcomes. visions that involve loved ones from the past and future. dancing wildly on stages in london. speaking into a microphone that echos across a great hall. riding horseback along the ocean. mattresses at sea. that pillow. avoiding what i really want to say. avoiding the acknowledgement of what i would really like to feel- yet i have to keep reminding myself that it wasnt exactly possible in the first place. all i can do is dream, and sit and ponder and think about smokey days in questioning fields. think about a life where i dont sit idly by and wait for purpose to find me. think about a life where i have a million and one things to accomplish in the day. walking along subways and trains and rivers unblinkingly unforgiving. growing stronger and stronger with a greater sense of who i am and who i want to be. taking charge of the moment. taking charge of moments that lead me to the image of myself i have so incredibly built up.


not just sitting
not just sitting

im so fucking sick of sitting.

becoming the average bitter american...

i am not bitter. i am me. i am an artist of great invention.
i speak to the masses. i lead classes of improvement. i describe the human condition through movement and emotion. i can read energy. i know when to stop. i know how to keep going. i know that i can love. i can trust completely. i swing over rooftops. i fly through the trees. i sneak up on moments triumphant. i take pride in pulling the past. my skills are appreciated. my hair is shaggy. my body is strong. i drink water from the bottom of the ocean.





i see god. in every moment of every day. i see light. because light is dark.


SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. in dark blurry blur.

pull my teeth. score one for me.

alter.
alter.

heh!

SLEEEP. ever so lovingly.

never wake up. life is in sleep.

that my efforts never really mattered.

Thursday, January 10, 2008


souls take jets to heaven

what did i notice upon returning to sb? a lot of things. particularly
the colors in the sky and the incomparable softness of the clouds
yesterday. there was one particular puff, which i imagined to be a
boat to another world.

on the plane to LAX, I saw another jet zooming parallel to ours,
backdropped in blue and white cumulus- i thought, what if souls take
jets to heaven, arriving very near vibrant pink and purple ships in
heavens massive harbor...?

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Thursday, January 03, 2008


notes from Beijing.

Hello!
Markie is a bit.
Tipseeeeeeeeee.
Markie Loves Buzz.

danced tonight
around the rain and in the clouds
among souls rejoicing
among souls sad

cant keep
awake the sleep of night
move onto the dead of awakening
making laughter flee

on the bus
tomorrow
six hours
sleep
sleep
sleep

yanjing beer
china's best!

i miss home.
but i like the state of not having to worry.
about displacement.
for it is an everlasting road.
until i am lying awake.

my body wants to float,
my lips want to kiss,
my hands want to grasp,
my neck wants to succumb,
my legs want to wrap,
my stomach wants to rub,
my cheek needs your cheek,
i need another body....................

to be mine.


for yellow doesnt do it for me.
(ahahahaha)

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Sunday, December 23, 2007


elucidation’s inquiry

.Past Titles worth mentioning:

Sheet In the Hallway
Internal Metropolis
Fix
House, LIGHT
In The Bedroom
I Want To Marry a Lighthouse Keeper
Coma 4
On the earth, standing still
Stories Far Away

.Future Title Workings:

Leading to Solo
(or)
Solo Induced

Reaching for Light
(or)
Elucidation's Inquiry
(or)
at the edge of _______.

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.gardist

avant garde
tnava edrag

ist!

retrograde
write yrots!

drag time
a long a lit
el string


emopenpudnatelgodsujtni

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Monday, December 17, 2007


leading me to solo

my joints hurt
my heart is heavy
i tried to dance tonight and found only aggravation.

i threw myself against the floor, banging over and over.
the chairs collapsed from underneath my forceful weight.
i liked the chaos. i liked the pain..

glass was breaking.
i saw the sky. something spoke.
i need to set. i need to set.

on the earth standing still, the past is haunting.
i flew through the air. i spun out of control.

i landed on my knees. my hair was frantic.
mad panic
mad panic
mad panic

if only i could harness what is dying to get out

can i make it repeatable?

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Saturday, December 15, 2007


95 characters (without spaces)

leading me to solo
elements in life
solo searching definitive
artist

thumb in chest
mouth gaping
speaking ceases

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Saturday, December 01, 2007


Precious Days in Nebula

the clouds were engulfing
...overwhelming
feeding exodus.

they tend to fly just above,
so close
- i often can not speak

Precious Days in Nebula
Can never be repla(ed
days of searching
...... longing
this Epoch of Endless intErnal retrEat

Laughter! souls Com/bined
sharing
search for comfort
i will .... like what I say

repeating the waves
sparking the past,
finding
fog


.,/ on the tip of morrow.


floating paths, Webs
artist fleeing
into transient ardor
please, let love be shared.

the Clouds have spoken
they have Claimed Me
i belong in the City

amid Mist inhaling.

...

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Thursday, November 29, 2007


new york city
Current mood: accomplished

well,

i am in my last few hours of this incredible city. what am i doing on the internet?? i dont know. ive had five days of one of the most intense experiences of my life. sorry if i am not off circling the statue of liberty. (which i considered doing today)

i got the chance to puruse my dream job, and i got pretty far in the process. i couldnt be happier about those precious hours of giving SO much. food for the soul, food for inspiration, food for fulfillment. one step at a time, and i just took a mother fucking HUGE one.. for myself at least.

it was nice to just "hang out" in new york, and not worry about all the stupid touristy shit. it was nice to catch up with friends, go for walks in central park to regain my focus, and sit and just be. i DID go ice skating, and boy was that a treat! very relaxing and a different way of flying- in the cold, dodging all the falling people mwahaha.

now i am off to the brooklyn botanical gardens. then back to sf for my video premier. haha.

i love nikki zialcita. btw.

oh, new york! perhaps i will be a resident someday.

someday. but like i said, one step at a time.



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Saturday, December 01, 2007


future

funny how
at this

MOMENT
in these days
moments repeating, I-

...i realize
how young
i am.

life tends to start over
again and again

how strong must we be
to keep on doing this
to keep on finding things to live for

i search
and i often find

i often find
i am scared of
time that will never end

to start over and over
in this never ending repetition
of life and life's journey

one day i will realize it all ...flew by.
i will remember when a lifetime seemed like forever.

when that day comes, i will be ready.

ready to start again.
ready to choke on possibility
on energy's quake.

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Wednesday, November 14, 2007


those calm nights

hearing about the beautiful
outside
outside!
to be outdoors.
to remember the freedom

to remember the freedom of what you shared
you and only you, so far at least.

hiking along. discontented
about the state of things
searching for that tree
the tree of song

the tree of light
mirroring your roots of artistic desire
looking back at a face admiring

admiring your grace
admiring your difference
difference in my life
difference in my heart

laughing
annoyed
comforted
bothered
calmed
confused
soaked in your energetic push and pull

the calm nights
the calm nights

the calm nights
the idea of sleep
next to you

waking up to questions
questions
questions

climbing the stars

to the end of a season.

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